When I was at the University of Connecticut here in America from 2003 – 2006 I went through an experience involving group harassment starting in my sophomore year and ending about when I graduated. There were many things which came out of that experience and writing helps put them in their place. The best and most rewarding for have been insights which came from looking back and analyzing what happened so that I could share what I have learned . That way, others going through the same struggles can look at some of what I’ve written and perhaps find something they may find helpful in their struggle. There are many people overseas who want to come and study here. I write about my experiences to help inform people about the potential realities of prejudice here in the USA.
Looking back there were always strategies employed and side and tangential techniques and methodologies implemented. But there were a finite amount of these always being reused and put into play. There would be different faces and varying twists here and there, but the level of imagination was definitely to an extent stunted, though they always wanted you to think the next one coming would be the biggest and baddest yet.
In all honesty, by my senior year, almost every time the most recent scheme was underway or had finished I’d find my self saying, “isn’t that the same thing that failed like 30 times already?” It still was painful harassment and an environment which grew increasingly hostile, yet that part was always predictable. The reason for this was there were laws governing harassment, and they did not want to get caught. They didn’t want the open secret to lose its ‘secret’ status, and to risk being sacrificed and/ or molested by law enforcement.
The goal was to get me to quit, flunk out or get kicked out in such a way as to make it look as if the decision was mine alone. The hope was, for them, plausible deniability would always be built in to every instance of harassment as a safeguard. The goal for them was to keep things moving in such a way that if I complained outside of the program, I would always be able to be made to look as if I were over exaggerating, paranoid, disgruntled or just plain crazy. Now many if not most people would be disheartened by this, feel upset or feel their sense of confidence ebb.
That’s normal and I felt that way at times, but soon you realize a choice has to be made. Most likely they will not stop, ever, so you need to decide whether you will stay and find a way or you will leave. If you leave you will immediately feel relief, but that does not mean it will not happen again. As with most things in life that become intense and persistent sometimes the only way out of the burning house is to walk straight through the fire set by the other person.
Thus, if you choose to stay you need to look both at yourself, but equally at the firestorm coming at you. You need to learn its strengths and weaknesses. Sure, you need to know yourself and assess your own weaknesses, flaws and past mistakes honestly so when they come up and are attempted to be exploited you will be ready. But, that should all be a part of what is in your tool belt ready to be used to your advantage, not something which keeps you up at night.
You may still be up at night and I was, but as time goes on you will find yourself becoming to a degree sort of accustomed to the regular series of scams, schemes and strategies. Sure they will have a new face here and there and a new twist and always a lot of pre-hype about how this time “you’re going down.”
But after the 20th time, you begin to realize… you know what? Lol, maybe there’s a chance… I’m not going down. In fact, as long as you stay awake and keep on your toes and never lose sight of why you decided to stay, you’ll start to realize no matter how loud they talk, the odds they will fail are on your side. You will begin to see that, though it is indescribably hard going up against such extremists, psychologically taxing and draining, as long as you can find ways to deal and keep going, there are possibilities for yourself to get to the light you seek within every new scam hatched to harass you.
This doesn’t mean it’s okay any more than if you were crying in your milk everyday, but you can choose to be conquered or to stand up for yourself. What they are doing to you is still illegal, and it hurts and all that is associated with harassment, but you can fight back. This doesn’t mean physically fight or breaking the law even though they are. If you do - you lose. That is precisely what they want you to do, get emotional and break.
If you don’t that doesn’t just mean you didn’t. It means you have won. This is the goal of your harassers in modern day instances of being harassed by a group as a result of prejudice and discrimination.
So each time they fail - smile. That is good. That is another marker along your journey (always assume it will be an extremely long one). There are other markers of success also.
In real life when you hurt someone physically they usually will give some sort of indication of feeling the pain. One thing learned from my three years of harassment at the University of Connecticut is in instances of being harassed by a group a sign of pain comes in other forms. Yes, at first there will be sighs, teeth clicks, mumbles and various exclamations as blatant indicators every time they fall flat on their face.
As time goes on they will try to hide these. After this you will know through other forms. You may find subtle punishments. For example perhaps the first transition for me was when people stopped being open, but then things would disappear from my drafting desk. These were little things like markers, erasers, rulers, etc, but I soon realized it was the same thing. You could almost hear their pain with each missing utensil like a beast squealing.
It’s not that you should want to create suffering, just that when you hear it you recognize that is what you are hearing, but it’s suffering they inflicted upon themselves. They chose to break the law and hurt an innocent person, they wanted a result they didn’t get and their egos were bruised. That is not your fault, as a famous Buddhist master once said, ‘you cannot be responsible for someone else’s karma.’
So keep that knowledge and know that every time they turn up the heat and become more complicated it’s them that are losing. It is a sign you’ve succeeded and they are getting more desperate, worried and confused. This doesn’t mean you will feel pain any less, but will have a real assessment gauge. The larger the schemes the better for your inner indicators of wins and losses. Each new twist is like a previous failure – another mark in the win column for you and a loss for them. But don’t get egotistical about it.
When dealing with a government or corporation, the larger the open secret the more money, time and resources people must pour into keeping it quiet. This is a good thing. The larger the open secret the more difficult it becomes to maintain the secrecy and the more threatened the lie becomes of being exposed. The longer it goes on the more bloated, fissured, patched, warped and cracked the entire thing becomes. This is a win.
Every time they bring new people into the fold it’s a sign of your success. An old poem I read said, ‘a good situation is a bad situation and a bad situation is a good situation.’ No more is this true than in such a situation. Don’t be discouraged by the fact you will often be alone. Other people have their own situations and you cannot fault them for not helping all the time. If they do wonderful, if not this can be wonderful too, and can be used to your advantage very effectively.
In my situation sometimes I might mention a person in my field of study I liked or looked up to. A couple of times they brought that person, or someone who knew them or their work in to make subtle or blatant jabs at me and my work as a way to attempt to discourage me. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now know, this was the highest compliment they could have paid me regarding my efforts to achieve my goal. It meant they had to do more and more to try and get their wish and the secret was spreading, getting bigger and bigger. It also meant the project I had finished they were muted about was much more successful than they had earlier let on. See, they had to, otherwise they would have been doing it from the get go.
So as things can be seen as bad they can also be seen as good simultaneously. The less your harassers realize it the better. Hear these actions ringing in your ears as markers of success and achievement, and know with each you are closer to your goal and they are in overdrive and sweating like frightened children. So as these things they have laid on the table may be viewed as wholly unappetizing, they can also be seen as the best source of fuel, nutrition and inspiration available. They then go from being painful to delightful and wholly appetizing.
It doesn’t happen overnight. Just keep going and keep working, and don’t give up. Those phenomena can be read as signs along the path letting you know things are going well just as signs things are going badly. It’s all a matter of perspective, though hindsight is obviously clearer at times. To all those going through harassment, and struggling to get through, good luck and keep your head up.
To read about my inspiration for this article go to www.lawsuitagainstuconn.com.
